A testament of a Cobra Commander
by Charlemagne
Summary: Cobra Commander on trial before the U.N. for war crimes gives a short summary of why he is such a nut.


Disclaimer: I don't own Cobra Commander or anything else of G.I. Joe...well save lots of figures and the movie but that's neither here nor there. This is an interview that attempts to explain some of Cobra Commander's mindset I think as shown in the movie, cartoon, comics, and even filecard. It's omni-continuity and I think fits with any of them. It's set, however, after Cobra Commander has been captured by G.I. Joe and brought before the United Nations for trial.  
  
Note: This story is rated PG for adult subject matter.  
  
CC: Oh delightful! Another visitor!   
  
Interviewer: Good evening Mister...uhhh Cobra Commander. I'm here to speak with you.  
  
CC: Another attempt to get me to repudiate my system of beliefs! I do not deal with puppets! Tell your masters that I am being wronged by this court and I intend to make it known! I am leader of the nation of Cobra Island and thus immune to your pathetic attempts to indict me! WHERE IS MY LAWYER!?  
  
Interviewer: Calm down sir. I'm not here to get you to repudiate anything....  
  
CC: So you say. So what exactly do you want me to do then? Cut a deal eh? Think that the greatest military mastermind in the world would betray his troops like they have betrayed me? Very well in exchange for....  
  
Interviewer: No No Cobra Commander I'm a historian but I'll pass it along if you want...  
  
CC: Absolutely not! My troops are faithful, loyal, and fanatical in my service! They will rescue you me and will not here your scandalous lies! You will punished along with these pretenders to legitimacy...  
  
Interviewer: Oh boy. Cobra Commander I'm just here to talk to you about your life.  
  
CC: Oh well that I can understand. I assume you will provide me with a proper historical backing and remain faithful to the letter and spirit of my words? The world needs to know exactly what sort of man they have put behind bars unfairly.  
  
Interviewer: I'll give your side to the story Cobra Commander as you give it.  
  
CC: Very well, what do you want to know.  
  
Interviewer: Very well I think the main question on everyone's mind Cobra Commander is what exactly is your motivation for committing all these crimes against...  
  
CC: CRIMES?  
  
Interviewer: Your motivation behind your actions sir.  
  
CC: Hmmph. My reasons remain the essence of Cobras. Today's human civilization as it stands is an atrocity against nature. Legal systems which allow criminal actions to flourish, wars against neighbor nations made without intervention be-smack every morality any nation claims to truly serve, and endless regulations which keep humanity and to a lesser extent men and women as individuals from achieving their true destinies as beings of power and prestige.  
  
Interviewer: Sir, pardon me for asking but hasn't Cobra itself been found guilty of promoting those self same criminal actions, wars, and crushing both advancements and individual liberties.  
  
CC: You misunderstand my words. It is true that Cobra makes use of the tools of the enemy but our goal necessitates also the exaggeration of existing social problems to bring them to light. The Cobra is our symbol for a reason by striking at the heel of our foe we are able to bring down much larger blows by spreading our poison from there to greater part of the whole. It doesn't matter if our strike is against the lower classes, the rich, the middle class, the religious, or the atheistic. Eventually our strikes against one will affect the other.  
  
Interviewer: In effect only those in Cobra are those to be saved?  
  
CC: Not quite because even those I make use of are often cursed with the trappings of the hierarchy, religions, and ways of old that the true Cobra man or woman has left behind. Still men who fight for pay or for revenge or even for their causes, be they Allah, or independence for their nation can be tools to bring down the establishment. Thus as they use Cobra for a tool we use them for any man who fights against another paves the way for our cause.  
  
Interviewer: Can you describe the world once Cobra takes over?  
  
CC: To liken it to anything you currently know in the world would be to do it a great injustice thanks to the pedestrian nature of your mind. Suffice to say they're would be no crime, no dissent, and every single living human being would be well rewarded for their efforts in this paradise as every being benefit from their unified diligence. No restraints would hold them back. A powerful hearsay in the Middle Ages was called Ophisism which said that the Serpent in the Garden held forbidden wisdom. As such with Cobra their beliefs have proven to be the truth.  
  
Interviewer: *sound of shifting uncomfortably* I see Cobra Commander. Did you come up with this philosophy?  
  
CC: HA! The fruits of this greatness has been in every part of man's great thinkers from Draco to Ashur to Alexander the Great to Napoleon to the Nazis and Stalin! However I am as far beyond them as they are beyond the average man because I am the embodiment of the Cobra Dream.  
  
Interviewer: You believe Hitler and Stalin were great thinkers?  
  
CC: To be a Cobra Man you must be willing to take the world by storm and impose your Dreams upon it no matter what the cause. Because those two were able to subjugate entire regions of the world to their will and visions they indeed have tasted truly of the Cobra Dream's power and liberating strength. However they failed in their ambitions, which makes sure that they did not fully comprehend what I do.  
  
Interviewer: Your behind the bars here now sir....  
  
CC: BECAUSE MY TROOPS LACKED COURAGE! My men and their treacherous sniveling ways lacked vision! They could not see what I see and thus not properly give me the tools to make my vision a reality! I have even been betrayed by my own family! Of all the backstabbing stupid...*sound of getting up from a chair and dancing around kicking over things*  
  
Interviewer: Cobra Commander would you please calm down. Did you say your family betrayed you?  
  
CC: I'd rather not discuss it. The children of my loins have always been reluctant to follow my path as fully with as much commitment as I have despite their superior genes. I blame the brides of my days who despite their beauty and of course I have had no problem attracting many an attractive consort....  
  
Interviewer: I don't...argue with that sir.  
  
CC: Of course you don't, you recognize truth when you hear it. Their softness when they should have been hard have often tainted them against me though I am pleased with some results and even the weakest shall be made into gods for the new order to come like my father crafted me.  
  
Interviewer: Your father Cobra Commander?  
  
*Long silence*  
  
Interviewer: Sir?  
  
CC: Yessssssss. My father was a representative of the Cobra Man to the core and blessed with great vision of what his son would be. I liken him unto a saint even if I question whether or not I am actually the child of a higher power placed in my mother's womb like Zeus did unto Alexander, Jesus, Buddah, or Vishnu unto the slayer of Ravanna.   
  
Interviewer: You claim to be God?  
  
CC: SILENCE! I'm telling a story! Yes my father was indeed the driving force behind my existence before I siezed the reigns of destiny which made me into the man that I am today. I was as a child introspective and withdrawn from the world but he forced me into the terrible sunlight as he routinely locked me in terrible darkness. Lackluster obedience was met with hot burning brands on my flesh, lashes that covered every inch of my body with bloody sores, and....worse. Defiance was much the same but yes complete and utter terror. That pleased him. I never repeated my mistakes and I became perfect.  
  
Interviewer:....I see Commander.  
  
CC: Alas the fires of my destiny eventually consumed him and the being that the chief guardian of my existence met his Dan, which for those who do not know their culture means Fate.  
  
Interviewer: I knew that Commander. Wait are you telling me you killed...  
  
CC: Next question.  
  
Interviewer: How did you start Cobra?  
  
CC: What? Are you telling me that you are unable to even track down my handiwork? That the fruits of my labors are not already being struck as examples of the superb brilliance that they are?  
  
Interviewer: Well the court records have records and such but I wanted your personal...  
  
CC: Oh bah! One simply has to read between the lines of what I've already said. All around the world there are people suffering indignities about their existence and one merely must play to their fears, justified fears and their greed for a new order with the promises of a righteous world to smooth their conscience. Dull their minds with violence against ones enemies to eradicate lingering traces of morality with the Arena of Sport....just like the Roman Gladiators...public execution of villain, and the recognition of the benefits of the system and you have an army of crusaders from any man or woman in the world.  
  
Interviewer: My god.  
  
CC: Of course there is the whole suicide problem and disloyalty for desertion executions that does cut a bit into our numbers. I've also noted that the morale among my units is occasionally rather low with them turning themselves in at the FIRST SIGN OF A G.I. JOE GUN! AHHHHHHHHH!  
  
*Sound of more kicking, screaming, and whining before sounds of panting and heavy breathing*  
  
CC: But as a whole the troops are better than anything else in the world.  
  
Interviewer: Well save G.I. Joe.  
  
CC: GET OUT OF HERE!  
  
Interviewer: Wait, one more question.  
  
CC: What is it? I haven't got all day!  
  
Interviewer: What's your reaction to the fact that your lawyer has pleaded insanity as your defense and argued you are unfit to stand trial?  
  
CC: He's WHAT?  
  
*The tape descends into unintelligent ranting*  
  
-Comments?  
  
-Charlemagne  
  



End file.
